Monday, March 4, 2013
What I find though is that people say, "Wow, two years, that has flown by!" But not to me, for me it has been a long 2 years. I have described it like rowing in the mud. I know that I am moving forward, but slowly. And I think it is because when you have cancer, you want to get to that 5 year mark. That magical 5 years cancer free, when your "chance for survival "goes up. Then there is also the fact that you want to hold on to each day, because no one is guaranteed another one. I just can't wait to be a seventy year old lady with my grandchildren around me and years of memories...
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Two years ago today, I didn't know there was a time bomb inside of me.
I didn't know the world of anti anxiety medication, monthly blood draws, and multiple surgeries.
I have trying to keep busy and not pay attention to the fact that tomorrow is "cancerversary" but it looms in the corner. Flashbacks. Sadness. Fear.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
And all appears to be well. Just some pain and discomfort. But only I could go on for a boob job and come out with a corneal abrasion! Apparently, something got onto my right eye before they takes it shut and caused a small scratch. Nothing serious, it will just be irritated for a day or row. Just another thing to add to the list of bad that hurt. But I am thankful that it's done and feel blessed to be home!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
So, going in tomorrow at 5:30am for surgery number 6. Nothing too drastic, just removing my tissue expanders and replacing them with actual implants, then removing chemo port. But, I am scared. I don't want to die, I don't want anything to go wrong. My littlest was crying tonight saying, please don't have surgery tomorrow, and it kind of freaked me out. I know she's four, so of course she doesn't want me to go to the hospital, and in her mind surgery means staying over night, but I assured her that I will be home tomorrow afternoon. I just want to be done, and over this whole cancer thing. But I know it will always be a part of me, a part of my life, and I pray every night that my girls don't have the gene, and that regardless of if they do or don't, that we find a cure. Eleven years till my oldest can be tested, 11 years to find that cure!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
So yay, I have hair, the problem is (although I am totally grateful that I am not bald) that, yes it seems like I have longish hair in the back, maybe a good four inches, I also only have four inches of hair on the top. So I have like two haircuts, kind of a shag look going on. And unfortunately a lot of the ends still have that post chemo frizz that I am still not ready to cut, as it would make my hair a good inch shorter. So I have tried unsuccessfully to straighten it with a flat iron, and while it looks ok, it kind of accentuates the frizz and uneven haircut. So finally I gave in to the curl. My mom did this during her growing out stage and it seemed to work for her, so know I'm giving it a try. And I must say, not bad. I do feel like I look a lot like my mom with this hair, but it's something different and not too time consuming, so I'll give it a try.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The tragedy in Newtown, CT has me in tears. I can not comprehend why this has happened. This post is not about my fight or anything to do with breast cancer, but this blog has been my therapy, and right now I need therapy. Hearing the details make me sick. 20 babies, shot, crying, screaming, it is not ok and how can I be ok. I am struggling to be ok, my girls, so innocent, know nothing about what has happened, so I try not to cry in front of them, but I am sad, heartbroken, and I feel so guilty. Guilty that my kids are safe, guilty when I get mad because their rooms are a mess. Guilty because I am a mom, who still has my kids to hug. But I see on tv that it's us, the adults who are all feeling this guilt, carrying the weight of this tragedy while protecting our children from the news, because, why do my 4 and 7 year old need to know that someone would do this at a school? So I carry this sadness, and I cry with the door closed, and I hug them extra tight as they sleep. I pray for the families, the town, the mom's that lost their babies, and I promise to hug mine extra tight and kiss them and tell them I love them...
Sunday, November 11, 2012
So tonight we went to the Mumford and sons concert. It was amazing. The thing with Mumford is that their music was the music of my treatment. From surgery to cat scans to chemo, their music got me through it. Their songs bring me peace, but also take me back to that dark time, but somehow make me feel whole. We went to their concert a few days after my second chemo treatment, and I was so sick and sad, but their song timshel spoke to me and really defined my journey at that moment. I love this band, and their music will always have a special place in my soul.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
This video is so real and honest. It's a feeling you never forget and no matter how prepared you are, it's terrifying.